


Drifting in the Galaxies of your Eyes

by AgeOfTonyJunior



Series: Taking Care of the Both of You [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Rating: M, mention of adoption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 07:09:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17402351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgeOfTonyJunior/pseuds/AgeOfTonyJunior
Summary: Tony is stranded in space after losing the battle against Thanos. He knows he's running out of time and he can't help but remember important events of the past two years. He has a lot of regrets and no time to make up for them, and a lot of apologies to make.Inspired by the Avengers: Endgame trailer.





	Drifting in the Galaxies of your Eyes

Tony lay on his side on the bare hard floor of the Benatar, his arms and legs drawn close to his torso, making his frame smaller. To anyone looking on, he appeared to be huddling close to himseld because he's cold, but that couldn't be farther from the truth.

He's broken. In every literal and figurative meaning of the word, he feels himself to be broken.

They lost. He lost. He was supposed to do more, be more prepared, should've anticipated Thanos's every move. But what good do 'if' and 'but' and "I should have' do now. The mad genocidal titan accomplished his mission, and Tony couldn't even begin to evaluate the losses. The world's losses, his teams' losses, his losses.

Thanos said that he wasn't the only one cursed with knowledge, maybe that wasn't so true. Tony didn't know what was going to happen when he suggested that they take the fight to Thanos. He didn't know if they could win but he hoped they would, hoped they would be able to stop him before he could retrieve the rest of the Infinity Stones.

He didn't know they would lose so much. He didn't know he would lose so much. He didn't know he was so weak without his anchor, without the love of his life, the love of his every cell, _without Steve_.

He made mistakes, God knows, he made so many mistakes, but none have or could even possibly have hurt him the way opposing Steve had.

If they'd been together, if they fought this battle against Thanos together, they wouldn't have lost. The world wouldn't have lost, the Avengers wouldn't have failed, and they wouldn't have failed the world. He would've still had.. _He_ would've still been..

Tony shuddered at the impossibly fresh memory of everyone around him vanishing into dust. The memory that he wished would ebb just a fraction but continued to prove itself to be stubborn and remained lodged in every neuron of his brain.

Nebula, who's his companion on the jet, who mostly leaves him alone to his thoughts and he's usually glad for, walked over to him and laid a thin blanket at his feet. He realized that he must have been shuddering quite a lot if she bothered to find him a blanket. His chest swelled at the act of kindness and constricted almost immediately after.

His mind drifted off to the last person who took the time to cover him with a blanket as he wrapped the thin article around himself.

Laying and hugging himself close under the blanket like he was, he couldn't help but remember the comfort of Steve's arms around him and the welcome warmth his body provides as he curls up behind him, protecting him with his body just as much as he often protected him with his shield.

Tony reminisces his time with Steve. He couldn't even remember the last time they spoke to each other and it sent a cold spike straight through his chest. Tony regretted not having called Steve when he should've. At least if he had, he'd know Steve's status right now and they would be together, as they should be. Now Tony doesn't know if Steve fought to his last breath or vanished with the other fifty percent of the Earth as per the alien's plan. _With Peter_.

Another shudder racked his body and he hugged himself tighter under the blanket even though he didn't feel cold. Maybe if he could convince his body that it is cold, it would distract him from the boy's pleas for help and his apologies as his body drifted away on the winds of an alien world. Maybe Tony can convince himself that none of it happened and Peter is still safe on Earth. Maybe Tony didn't have to look into his eyes and see the fear that shaped them, and he wouldn't have had to hold him into his arms as he..

Tony squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't allow himself to think the word and let it carve a pathway into his mind. If he did, it would make it real and he couldn't let it be, even if he knew. There was another child, a much younger one, that was constantly on his mind. One that he would've been incredibly proud to call himself the father of. Before going their separate ways, Steve and Tony were in a good place, happy together, the happiest Tony had ever been in the 46 years he'd been alive. They were thinking about adopting a baby boy. Jack Rogers-Stark. **Jackie**.

Tony could picture him as clearly as if he were looking at him right this second. The round face and soft fair skin. The wide, innocent honey coloured eyes, and the soft hair that was just a few shades darker than Steve's and a couple lighter than Tony's.

He was perfect. He resembled the both of them enough, that he could be their son. But none of that ever happened. His fairy tale ending with Steve was spoiled before the story even began.

Steve, who is a saint; who always knew the right thing to say at the appropriate time. Steve who could comfort him by tracing the veins of his forearm up from his wrist to his elbow and make a warm shudder run up his spine. Steve whose kisses melted away all the hurt Tony ever felt, and whose hugs could turn ice warm.

Steve, when he was last with Tony behind closed doors, made love to him like he knew something was wrong. He made a point to kiss him the entire time as he held him close between the comfort of his arms. He manoeuvred Tony so that he straddled his hips and Steve held onto his like he was holding on for his life, strong enough to darken the skin under his fingers.

Tony didn't mind for a fraction of a second as he locked his arms together behind Steve's neck and pushed himself closer to him still, touching their chests together and pressing his forehead flush with Steve's. Tony kissed him like he wanted to draw the breath from his lungs as he urged him to move his hips. Steve obliged and descended on Tony's neck, peppering it with kisses as he pushed into him.

Tony arched his back for him and Steve interrupted his line of kisses to Tony's neck to press a soft kiss to the center of his chest. Tony's heart plummeted through his ribcage and he took hold of Steve's cheeks and kissed him to convey what his words were failing him to do.

They were both moved like they were never before; Steve's rhythm, while slow and gentle, the very meaning of making love, was faltering, Tony was beyond the ability to say anything as he switched between indulging Steve with the kisses he demanded with red lips and focusing on how he felt within him. They knew it wouldn't last nearly long enough and they chased each other with their release.

Tony had sagged back against the headboard and Steve was having none of it. He pulled him close and tight to his chest as his arms encircled him, blunt fingernails digging into his back, and his lips went to his ear. Steve had told him things he'd never admitted before, fears he has and worries he couldn't shake, confirming to Tony just how different this time was, all while praising him and reminding him just how much he loves him.

A tear splashing onto Tony's arm returned him to reality. He went to wipe it away and realized that he was comforting himself the way Steve so often comforted him, tracing the barely visible lines of his veins.

"They keep you warm and keep your wonderfully kind heart beating, and they're beautiful because they're Tony's. My Tony." Steve had responded when Tony asked him why he chose to trace his veins the way he did.

It suddenly dawned on Tony that Steve doesn't know about his whereabouts, much in the same way that Tony doesn't know his. Besides, it was about time that he came face to face with reality. He has so much he needed to explain to Steve and so much that he needed to apologize for.

Forcing him into a sitting position, with his back heavily slumped against the wall, he reached for his helmet. His fingers splayed and his approach so gentle, the same delicate touch he used when he first held Jackie in his arms with Steve right behind him, looking at him with awe. He turned his helmet on, waiting a second for the systems to come up before he decided to be completely honest and began his message.

"Hey Cap." Tony began, making a point of looking away from the piercing eyes of the mark 50's helmet, as if in fear that Steve would be looking through them at his soul.

"Steve." He corrected and smiled to himself. It was always much more intimate to use his first name. "If you find this message, don't be upset. Part of the journey is the end." He sighed.

Steve was going to hate him when he listened to this. He knew he wouldn't want to hear this but Tony owed him. "I just always wished that mine would be with you. Wrapped up in the comfort of your arms, looking up at you and memorizing every detail of your face as my time came."

Tony bit his lip as his eyes began to sting. This is hard. "There's so much that I should tell you, so much that I owe you, and so much more that I need to apologize for." He bit his lip harder. "I was wrong. I was so wrong, Steve. Wrong to ever think that I could do this without you. Wrong to ever allow myself to believe that I'll be okay with the Avengers split. Wrong to ever let you walk away with Barnes when you did." Tony tightened the blanket around his shoulders when the memory of Siberia threatened to resurface.

"But my biggest mistake was not calling you. I don't even know if you knew but I held onto that phone from the second it arrived in the mail. I took it everywhere with me. It was, in so many ways, my lifeline. Even if I never could bring myself to call you, _I knew_ , I always knew you'd be there for me when I did call." Tony felt the first tear sting as it spilt over his eyelashes.

"You'd be you, amazing, forgiving, you, and you'd come for me because I messed up. Again." He shut his eyes and willed his voice to stay level, even if became deadly quiet. "Honey, I'm so sorry. My time is coming and my mind is everywhere but I can't help but think of you and Jackie. And it just makes me believe to my core how much I've wronged you and how much I've wronged us. I don't know.."

Tony shook his head, he would not allow himself to think that word, not with Peter, and certainly not with Steve. "..if you're breathing, I hope to whatever deity that's listening that you are, but I just have to let you know all of this. And I want you to do one last thing for me, baby."

He chuckled dryly, wiping the back of his hand against his cheek. "That's me, Tony Stark, always demanding so much of you. But you never let me down, not once. I know you won't."

"You fought hard and you probably lost just as much as I did, but it's far from over." He pushed his head back against the wall heavily. He was the worst to ask this of Steve. "The Avengers don't give up. Thanos is still out there and he still has the damn stones. I won't make it but you're there."

He trembled, _God, please be_. "I don't know who's left but you can lead them. You can make this right. I know I'm asking too much of you, I always do. But if anyone, anywhere, can right our wrongs, it's you. You are more than capable and you are just the man that can kick that purple titan down a notch or two." Tony couldn't help but smile, the image of a victorious Steve was too beautiful.

"And when you've succeeded, when you've made him pay for everything he's done to us, I still have one more favour to ask of you. But I think you'll appreciate this one a lot more." Tony looked down at his hands, as if they're somehow a lot more precious because they've held the baby boy.

"Find Jackie. He needs you, just like I need you. Just like the whole world needs you. But you would've saved the world. So, retire, adopt Jackie, raise him like a superstar. He can be Jack Rogers, he doesn't have to have my name if you prefer it that way." His heart constricted as the words left his lips. Jackie was their dream, he was going to be their son, and they were going to be his parents together. "

Just, please Steve, make sure he gets to live a good life. With you. You'll be an incredible father; it's just who you are. My single greatest regret is that I won't get to see how good you will be to him. You know how I fell in love with him the second I laid my eyes on him."

He chuckled sadly. "Same with you, you patriotic hunk of muscle wrapped in an American flag." He allows himself to tease, because what more can he lose. And this is Steve, his Steve. No amount of time or distance between them is going to change how he feels about him.

"I'm so sorry Steve. I wish you the best of luck. And I love you so much, so much more than I'll ever be able to tell you. But it's time. When I drift off, I will dream about you. It's always you."

With tears on his cheeks, Tony reached forward and switched the recording off. He picked up the helmet and pressed his forehead to its', before dropping a kiss to the line symbolizing its lips. For Steve, whose lips he's never going to feel ever again.

Setting the helmet on the control console, Tony stood up, blanket wrapped loosely around his shoulders and looked out at the vast emptiness of space. He's drifting, not in the way he promised Steve they would when he took them into space, but drifting nonetheless. And as he drifts, he will dream of him, and he will name the stars and the galaxies that he will see along his way after his eyes.

Another tear splashed against his cheek. He began to trance a vein on his wrist.

**Author's Note:**

> I did not cry while writing this. How bold of you to assume that I did.  
> :D Feedback and comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading!


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